This was a dark time but also a time of revelations when I joined a support group for families whose relatives were diagnosed with a mental illness. I had reached the end of my own rope when I joined. My mother would not take her medication and she became hostile and erratic. She began storing scissors under her pillow because – hell, everyone was out to do her harm. The board-and-care (B&C) facility where she resided were of no help to me and their residential psychiatrist was a pure a******e.

Also, I worked full-time, had and have my own mental health issues, and was deeply stressed when my supervisor at the time recommended a support group for me. The support group is offered within an organization that advocates for mental health and for families whose relatives are diagnosed with a mental illness.

I attended the first meeting with the expectation that I would be the only person of color present and I was not wrong. In this case however, I was also the only one whose parent was diagnosed with ongoing mental illnesses. All the other members were the parents of adult children who’d been diagnosed with a mental illness(es). This definitely set me apart but it very little difference over time.

We were from various educational and socioeconomic backgrounds from high school dropouts to medical doctors. I was also the youngest member in our group but by no means was I a young woman at the time. Some of the group members were in their late 70s early 80s!

They relayed their experiences. Some of my fellow members had installed locks on their bedroom doors as they feared their adult children would kill them in the middle of the night. Others were able to rent an apartment for their child because of this same fear. A few had children who were in treatment in a facility. Their children’s ages ranged from young 20s to their late 40s.

During one meeting, I looked around the room at these strangers who I’d come to know and respect and wondered, “What would happen to their mentally ill adult child when they were gone?” Overtime, I realized that they also thought about this question.

The Exclaimer: One of the reasons that I brought in the subject of anonymous groups is that growing up in my household left its scars-mostly unseen. Very, very few people can live in that level of dysfunction and neglect without it affecting our lives in some manner. On some people, it shows in the way they carry on in their lives. Most observers would consider me high-functioning because I have gone to college and I am able to maintain employment. In the U.S. education + working means that I have overcome my background but these markers of “functionalism” do not address the unseen. If you are self-aware enough to realize that you need help, then seeking help in all its various forms is just part of life. It’s definitely a part of my life. 

One of my friends who belongs to an anonymous group found it difficult to receive what he needed during the presidency of 45 as well as the entirety of his time in office. We’ll call him, DeMarcus. As one of three African Americans in an anonymous group of about 28 people, he felt with certainty that some of his group members had likely voted for 45. 

Good to great anonymous groups purposely leave any topics related to politics along with social issues outside of their meetings. The focus is to work on YOU. But, as with many of us, we’ll sometimes go to lunch or a similar event where we become acquainted with one another outside of the 12 step guidelines and principles. This is also the time where you are likely to broaden your relationships with one another. 

For many African Americans, the socio-political climate of the country adds to the state of our own personal mental wellness. But, in an anonymous group climate, there’s no room for external fears or factors. For DeMarcus, the dilemma continues to be, “What parts of my own pathologies are mine alone that can be shared without offending anyone or starting controversy?” After all, this is all about self-healing.

I face the same dilemma in my own life at work and in the world at large. If there is a police shooting of an unarmed African American man or woman, I won’t leave home for days because I don’t feel like I can prevent or protect myself. This adds on to my own bouts with depression and anxiety. But, there are many people who see these shootings from the lens of, “They must have done something…” to evoke this extreme of a reaction from law enforcement. 

How does one strip down the layers without feeling targeted?

The first time I attended an anonymous meeting was difficult as I was the only raisin in a bowl of rice. Truth be told, one of the tenets taught by the grown folk in my day is to never tell white people the truth about your life at home. At the time that I was taught this, the only whites I encountered were my school teachers, law enforcement, social workers, and firemen. 

Yet, here I am cracking open the door and while I may not be stripping down to my birthday suit; I have taken off my jacket and shoes to step into the pool of peer self help.

Over the years, I have oftentimes been one of the few attending an anonymous meeting. I’ve met good people. Yet, there is a barrier that is hard to discern. With the exception of one anonymous meeting, I never felt unwelcomed.

The anonymous meetings whether it focuses on alcohol, drugs, overeating or other abuses share a common core system of beliefs based on The Big Book © 1939 which was originally published for alcoholics. The Book contains encouraging stories of recovery and has been updated numerous times over the years.

I did notice that most anonymous groups (I cannot nor do not speak for all anonymous groups across the globe) meetings are usually NOT hosted in predominantly African American churches in the U.S.

Of the one group that I’ve heard about that did rent space for anonymous meetings in an African American church, the minister sabotaged one of the most important anonymous guidelines regarding G/god; “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” 

Thus, the minister began to prosthelytize the group which in its initial state worked miracles; but then, this group disbanded as most of its members fell backward into their habits. In short order, they were robbed of their opportunity to come clean with themselves so that they could do the hard work of recovery.

In most anonymous groups, you choose your relationship with God/god i.e s/he can be the Christian deity, the Budha, any religion really or if you are atheist or agnostic, the emotional support of the group can be the spiritual element from which you draw sustenance.

For most African American churches and followers, God offered as an option is NOT optional.