Black people

It is a struggle to work and regulate your own mental health. I’ve lost three loved ones within the span of a year and feel very displaced.

This displacement is more than grief. I am lost. But, I can’t blame it all on the pandemic. When Ruby died in 2013, I lost a significant part of myself-of my identity. I am no longer the daughter of a schizophrenic/depressed mother.

I no longer have to run and put out the fires that she started.

The recent losses have left me in limbo.

It shows in my affect, my apathy, and overall sadness.

Counseling cannot bring me out of this miasme.

Nevertheless, I have to work for the roof over my head and other necessities.

I don’t have time to sit with myself and feel my feelings.

In U.S. culture, these deaths were months ago; I should be done with sadness.

I’m not on schedule.

I have a job with duties that have drastically changed and struggle to balance on my unsteady platform.

I don’t have time to process.

There’s no room for protest.

and…

I don’t have time to sit with myself and feel my feelings.

I know that I should be discussing the mental health issues that the pandemic has either led to new diagnosis or worsened the mental health of many of us.

On top of the pandemic, those of us living in the U.S. have witnessed the growth of racism, xenophobia and/or have had personal encounters with it.

If you are a person of color (POC) and in therapy, the social and political strife compounds your own feelings of safety for you and your loved ones.

One of the most difficult challenges as a consumer i.e. patient is if you have a therapist who cannot empathize or understand your perspective. Thankfully, I don’t have a therapist who supported #45, but what if I did?

There are other therapists who may be POC but who identify with mainstream culture and cannot connect to your lived and historical experiences as someone from the African American community.

They may genuinely not understand the microaggressions that impact your mental health at work or in public spaces.

I can only hope that there are therapists out there who have enough integrity to speak their truth and decline us as clients because of our race and/or ethnicity.

I can only hope that therapists whose beliefs and practices in their personal lives don’t do more harm to us when we sit in their offices or go to the clinic.

There are African American therapists but they are indeed a rarity. And, if your insurance is taken by their practice or if they’re working in a community clinic setting, and the “vibe” is right, go for it.

But truth be told, if I waited until all the stars and planets aligned, I’d be a barely functional adult stuck in the mess of my past and unable to untangle myself from it.