“Should I have children?” a young woman asked me some twenty years ago. We were both in college and had grown familiar enough with one another that she knew about my mother. The young woman was recently discharged from the military due to her being diagnosed with schizophrenia. She belonged to a church community and had come at a crossroads in her life where her biological clock was ticking. She had also  been released from another hospitalization in the psych ward recently

I breathed in deeply and thought about my answer because I definitely had an opinion about this topic. As I sat across from her, I thought of my own childhood of emotional neglect and the fact that my mother did lose custody of me and my siblings to the county. I remembered her 4 pack-a-day smoking that left the walls covered in brown tar. I remember her fits of giggling and crying and being frightened and not knowing what to do. But here is the answer I gave.

My response? I can see that the drive toward motherhood is strong in you; however, your diagnosis makes it nearly impossible. The only reason why my siblings and I survived our childhood is because of the heavy intervention of family. They fought to keep us. My grandmother raised me, my siblings were adopted by other family members who lived in another state. My mother, eldest sibling and I lived with our grandmother. She was the cushion between my mother and us. We had extended family nearby. All of these factors produced survivors who did not get to experience the joy and love that occurs between most parents and their children.

Who will care for your children if you are hospitalized again? Family? Your church community? Friends? If you marry and later divorce, it won’t be too difficult declaring you an unfit parent especially since your resources are limited. Are you self-aware enough to realize that you must take medication for the rest of your life?? Finally, child-rearing can be very, very stressful even for parents who have good mental health. They burn out and need a break despite their love for their child(ren). Children, especially small ones, require extensive attention and are not aware of anyone else’s needs including their parents. 

A full night’s sleep is a necessity that won’t be a part of your life anymore. Can you place their emotional and (physical) needs above your own because ultimately that is what parents must do. Forget waxing poetic about parenthood; can you deal with the worst of it and raise reasonably mentally healthy children?

 Below is a link to an article with a parent who is making a decision about her children’s care partially as a result of her mental health diagnosis.

http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1127383/sending-my-son-with-autism-care-facility